This past week has added a chapter to my life story that I never expected. Never.
After bleeding all week, receiving a worrisome sonogram, and bad blood work results, I received the news that my pregnancy is a failed pregnancy due to a blighted ovum. Last night, during an hour of cramping and heavy bleeding, I miscarried my second pregnancy.
You may think it strange that I want to write about this so soon, or even at all, but this is how I process difficult situations. And besides, I want my story to be told. I don’t want to pretend like it didn’t happen or simply forget over time. I want to write about it while it’s still raw.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Grayson, I was so afraid of something happening that I didn’t let myself get attached until after my first sonogram. This time though, I felt more confident so I quickly became attached and was very excited about having another baby. I thought the baby was a girl this time so I was enjoying coming up with girl names and thinking about having a son and a daughter. My prayer had been that this pregnancy would make it to full term since I had Grayson at 34 weeks, but I never imagined that I wouldn’t even make it past the first trimester. The thought of miscarrying never even entered my mind.
This week of bleeding but not having any answers was emotionally terrorizing. The bleeding was getting a little bit heavier everyday and I was constantly going between believing everything would be okay and the baby was fine to believing I was going to miscarry. That emotional roller coaster is an exhausting ride. All the while, I had to still go about my usual routines. I still had to function. I still had to care for Grayson and meet his needs. It was awful. One moment I would be playing with him and making him laugh and the next I would be breaking down crying. I felt like I had no control over my emotions, my thoughts, and I felt so guilty for losing myself in front of my baby. I felt like a terrible mother not being able to hold myself together.
I was continually praying, asking God to stop the bleeding, to give me strength, to have mercy on me, to please let everything be okay. But He felt far from me, absent, and uncaring. I knew my theology and I believed in it but the reality I was living did not fully mesh with the God that I know and love. I wrestled with Him almost constantly and became angry with His perceived absence. I wanted so much to feel His peace through this situation but I didn’t. . .and I don’t know why.
When I finally got some answers from the blood work, I slowly began to feel God in the situation. I had been told by a nurse at my doctor’s office that it would be unlikely for me to receive any news on Friday since they had just taken my blood on Thursday. So when I called late Friday afternoon I was expecting them to tell me that the results had not come in yet and to try again Monday. But the results had come in and I finally had some answers. It was devastating but I also felt some relief in at least knowing what was going on and what would happen.
Friday night as I was getting ready for bed a song came to me and I found it on my iPod to give it a listen. It was comforting and I posted the lyrics on my Facebook. Five minutes after I did that I started cramping. It was dull at first but grew in intensity. It hurt and I was afraid of how long it would last. My hope was that it would pass quickly but I wasn’t expecting it to. The cramping, heavy bleeding, and passing of tissue and other “stuff” only lasted an hour. It was a devastating experience and in between trips to the bathroom I cried, mourning my loss, and continually thinking, “I can’t believe this is apart of my story.”
Like I have said, I know my theology and I believe in it. Through out all of this I know and believe that I am undeserving of life itself, let alone all that God has blessed me with. I know that God does not owe me anything. I know that He is completely just in taking away my pregnancy. I know that He loves me and that His will is far better than my own. I know all of this. I believe in it and that hasn’t changed. But it’s hard to feel it right now. It’s hard to feel the love I know God has for me. It’s hard to feel anything.
I know that time will heal this wound. I know that I will go through a process of grieving and that it will most likely be a roller coaster of emotions. It’s hard. It’s heart breaking. And I don’t know why God chose me to go through this experience. I don’t know why He made it apart of my story. But He did and even though I do not understand it, nor do I feel Him in this, I believe that if I claim what I know is true, one day I will feel it again. In the meantime, I am sweetly broken.
In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness