I’m a Lucky One

Today is the 40th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade and I had hoped to share a picture from my sonogram I had today and talk about how precious life is. But I do not have pictures from my sonogram because this morning I woke up bleeding and when I got to my appointment the sonogram showed a yolk sac measuring at 6 weeks but no baby or heart beat. I’m suppose to be around 8 weeks so we weren’t expecting that. They took my blood to check my hormone levels and I have to go back on Thursday for more blood work and then do another sonogram next Tuesday. It comes down to one of these two things: Either I am not as far along as we thought or I’m losing the baby. I want to believe in the former…I want to believe that, even though the dates don’t add up, that I really am only 6 weeks pregnant. But I can’t ignore the latter and that it is a very real possibility.

I am very upset and very afraid. The thought of losing a child, even within utero, is heartbreaking. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week, waiting and wondering what is really true. It’s overwhelming…almost unbearable.

I had a post ready to go for later in the week about my hard day yesterday and how, even though God didn’t make the day easy as I had asked, He gave me a song that touched and encouraged me. Today has been an even harder day and that song keeps coming to mind. In fact, I have it playing right now. It’s not a song you would expect. It’s “Lucky Ones” by Lecrae.

When it’s all said and done
You and I are the lucky ones
We fought many
And we’ll fight the night until we see the sun
We are the lucky ones
We are the lucky ones
We are here

Under the su
n, I found we were left to drown
Evil abounds, weight is pullin’ us down
No sight or sound, impaired to His care
Chasing after the wind, running after the air
Deserving of desertion, servants of destruction
And everyday we taste of a grace that we’re unconcerned with
My sin I should be burned with, I’m guilty, filthy, and stained
But He became a curse, drank my cup and took my pain
And for that he reigns, through faith I’m changed
And I don’t have a reason why he loosened up my chains

I don’t believe in luck; I believe in Grace
But they say we’re lucky cause we seen His face
And we heard Him call us, and He heard our answer
And He gives us second chances when we throw our hands up
So weary and broken, hopin’ His arms will be open
Unconditional love has got us locked into His focus
(I guess we the lucky ones, huh?)

You’re greater than my shame, guilt, my doubt, and my past
Fortunate to trust in you cause I’ve doubted your plans
I’ve questioned your ways, every question I raised
Is foolishness compared to mountains, the wind, and the waves
You’re so mindful of us, we rise from the dust
You love these cheating, beating hearts and these eyes full of lust
Gave us power to fight it, though we cower in quiet
We have the faith to start a riot; how can we deny it?
Fire inside us that you kindle when it starts to dwindle
And simply put I’m sinful so your love is essential

I don’t believe in luck, no, I believe in Grace
But they say we lucky cause we seen your face
Lord, we heard you call us, You heard our answer
And you give us second chances when we throw our hands up
I’m weary and broken, but your arms will be open
Unconditional love has got us locked into your focus

See, I’m not sayin’ I’m always right
And I ain’t sayin’ that I’m perfect
And I know I don’t deserve it
But I’m glad I got this life
I’m glad that I got it
And it makes me a lucky one

I don’t feel like a “lucky one” right now, not at all. But God reminds me that even now, in the fear and the unknown, that He is sovereign and the simple fact that I know Him and He loves me, makes me a “lucky one.” I can have hard days and I can lose my baby but that won’t change who God is and the fact that He has shown me grace.

I cry as I write this because my heart doesn’t feel it. But I know it and I believe it, deep within my soul. I pray that this won’t turn out for the worse. I pray that next Tuesday we’ll see a baby on that screen, safe and healthy. I pray that this is all some horrible, un-amusing mistake. But I can’t allow myself to get my hopes up and pretend that there isn’t another possibility. However, either way, God is gracious, loving, and sovereign…and that makes me a lucky one.