*This is an old post from my personal blog written in 2012.*
Lately I have been thinking about what life was like before having my son. I can’t really remember even though it was only 6 months ago that he became apart of my life. One thing I do remember is that I was in college and for the past several years my life revolved around school. My schedule was set around classes. On the first day of the semester I would get all of my syllabi and write down in my calendar all of the things I had to do, when to do them, and when they had to be turned in. I had a nice system going. Everything was scheduled, predictable, and I had a good handle on what I was doing. I rarely doubted my ability to succeed in school. I was great at being a student.
Now I’m a college graduate and, more importantly, I am a mother. Being a mother is nothing like being a student (other than the fact that I am constantly learning). I sometimes doubt my ability to be a good mother. Am I doing this right? Am I missing something? Am I totally screwing this up? Am I a good mom to my son? I don’t always feel very confident and about every other week or so I come to the end of myself. I lose my patience and feel like I can’t do this anymore. I always feel so guilty about having a breakdown but I know that I’m only human. No person could be all that a mother is and not have a breakdown every once in a while. There are many more to come, I am sure.
My life is just so different now. I can’t schedule my life a whole few months ahead of time anymore. I’m no longer going semester by semester but day by day. Heck, not even that. It’s more like minute to minute. I like to have a schedule. I like to be able to know ahead of time what is going to happen so I can plan my response or reaction. But with a baby, it’s all one huge crap shoot. I wish Grayson came with a manuel that was specific just to him. That would make things so much easier and I would never feel lost or like a failure. Things weren’t meant to be that easy though.
There is nothing else quite as humbling as being a mother. There is nothing else that will bring you to the end of yourself quicker. There is nothing that could make you feel more guilty, more crazy, or more exhausted than being a mother. This is hard work. But if it weren’t hard, I wouldn’t grow. I wouldn’t become better and the work wouldn’t mean as much. I wouldn’t become more holy because I wouldn’t need to seek Jesus. That is what I need to do more often: seek Jesus. Without Him, I can’t do this.
I graduated Cum Laude. I was a good student. Now, I’m trying to be a good student at motherhood. I’m not sure how well I’m doing but my son smiles at me and loves being held by me so I guess I’m not doing too bad. There is much room for improvement though and maybe by the time Grayson is a father I’ll have some of this figured out. I’ll never become the perfect mother I want to be and the sooner I become okay with that the better. I need to remind myself that my focus needs to be on glorifying God in motherhood and caring for my son in a way that pleases Him. He has called me to be a mother to Grayson. He chose me. With His strength, wisdom, and guidance, I can do this.