If you read my post, When the Unexpected Happens, then you know that as a result of my second miscarriage my doctor was performing blood work to see if there was a medical reason for the recurring miscarriages. I received the results of the blood work today and all the tests came back normal. My doctor said that according to the blood work there is no medical reason for my miscarriages.
A part of me was hoping that something would come back abnormal so that I had a reason, an answer, to why I’ve had two miscarriages in a row. If there was a problem then it could be addressed. But there isn’t a problem and I have no answers. I’m not disheartened though. The Lord has given me peace that surpasses all understanding and has strengthen my faith and trust in Him. Thinking about His sovereignty and goodness brings tears to my eyes. I surely could not survive this heartache without Him. Because even though I am at peace the pain is still real and it is still felt. I still grieve.
There is evidence of that everywhere. The evidence hangs around my neck in three little charms that remind me of my babies.
The evidence is in my home where I put up a memorial of sorts. It’s like having them at home with us. It shows that they, at some point, no matter how small or how short, existed and were a part of our family.
The evidence is in the graphics that I have made as a way to express my grief. When I make these things it helps me feel close to them and it brings healing.
Even though I grieve, I am at peace and I have faith. I am able to have joy through the pain because I know without a doubt that God is sovereign and that His will is infinitely better than my own. Though there is pain and sorrow in this life there is also hope for those whose lives belong to the Lord. This is not all there is and this is not the end. Me and my family are in God’s hands and that is the best place to be. Whether I get pregnant again and whether I carry to full term is completely and totally up to the Lord. My hope is not found in medical science (though the Lord can certainly work through that) but rather my hope is found in the One who created me, who understands all mysteries, and who forms with His hands the children He gives me.
“Our God is in the heavens and He does whatever He pleases.” Psalm 115:3