Back in January of this year I had a miscarriage. It was a devastating experience. But then in May, on my son’s birthday, we found out that we were expecting again! I was overjoyed! I was certain that this was God restoring what we had lost. I was so full of hope.
But then I started spotting. I was crushed. I cried in fear of facing another loss. Then the spotting went away and I thought that it was nothing. Some bleeding can be normal during early pregnancy so I didn’t throw out all hope yet. But then on Tuesday I started bleeding and this time it didn’t stop. I went to the doctor and a sonogram showed a gestational sac measuring 5 weeks when I was suppose to be 7 weeks. It was playing out just like last time. They took my blood and had me return two days later to draw more blood and compare my hormone levels. Since Monday was Memorial Day I had to wait a long weekend before getting the results. I never had any cramping and the bleeding was never as heavy as it was last time. I was very hopeful that everything would turn out okay. I was even more convinced of this when the bleeding became very light on Monday and by Tuesday it was completely gone. I thought for sure that it was some random bleeding caused by something other than a miscarriage. I was certain that when I got the results from my blood work on Tuesday that I would receive good news.
I was laying in bed playing with Grayson when I got the call. The words I heard on the other end of the phone made my heart drop into my stomach and all my hope came crashing down. My hormone levels had decreased. The doctor would follow up with me at my appointment next Monday.
I didn’t know what to say. The nurse was so matter of fact, no remorse or sympathy in her voice, and I thought, “Is that all?” But what could she say? My levels had gone down which meant a miscarriage had taken place. A second baby gone.
I was so sure this baby was our restoration. I had so much hope. I don’t know how to communicate just how hopeful I was. Having this second miscarriage was unthinkable and, in my mind, not probable.
I had my follow up appointment today and during the sono I was told that everything had passed but when I saw my doctor she said there was a small area of what could be tissue or the sac (though she said it didn’t look like a sac) that is still in the uterus. She wasn’t concerned and didn’t feel that I needed to rush for a D & C or anything. She said that we’d just watch it and see if it will pass on it’s own. She explained that she wanted to run blood work and tests to see if there is a reason for these two miscarriages. She used a lot of big and weird sounding words that I have no clue how to spell but basically there could be some antibodies that could be interfering with healthy implantation. So they took a bunch of blood (ouch!) and are running tests to see what comes up. If I have an abnormal result she said that the minute I get a positive pregnancy test they will provide me with shots to give myself everyday throughout my pregnancy. I can’t remember what they are called (they are not progesterone shots) but she said they are tiny shots you inject into the skin of your stomach and they have proven to help keep pregnancy viable. She said even if all the tests came back normal she would still recommend that I do the shots because they can only help. So as sad and as heartbreaking as this is there is hope, by God’s grace and the help of medical guidance, that my next pregnancy will last.
Kyle and I have named this baby Rylan. I’m going to get two charms this time to add to my necklace. One will say “Rylie” and the other will say “Rylan.” I am thankful for them both and praise God that He is loving, faithful, and sovereign over my life and the lives of my children. In circumstances like these we ask “why?” Why would God allow this to happen? I have wondered the same thing. I don’t have any answers but I do know that my God is not cruel. I believe that with my whole being.
My last miscarriage challenged my faith but this time my faith has only become more solid. God can give and He can take away but I will never curse His name. If it were not for Him I could not endure this heartache. I fully and completely trust Him and His sovereign will. I can rest in Him. I can find peace in Him. I can find healing in Him. He is my everything and I could not live without Him. He is so good. Despite whatever physical issue there may be that has caused these miscarriages God worked beyond them and gave me a son! I’m beginning to believe that Grayson is a miracle. Kyle and I both have been feeling increasingly blessed to have him. I lost Rylie and Rylan but Grayson is here, smiling at me, cuddling with me, and letting me kiss his face. I am so thankful for him.
My hope and prayer is that my next pregnancy will be healthy and that it will result in a healthy baby. My heart longs for that. But more than anything my heart longs for the Lord and His will. That I would know Him more, serve Him better, and be used by Him in whatever way pleases Him most. He is such a faithful God. He is so good.
Reader, I pray that as you take in my story that you would be encouraged and challenged. I don’t know what the Lord is doing in your life right now or what you are going through. But I pray that you would praise Him through the storm and the sunshine; that your soul would find contentment in Him. He may allow hard times to come but He doesn’t leave us in our sorrow. There is hope in our sovereign God.