The Danger of Sexual Refusal

freeimage-1350986This week I’ve been discussing sex and we’ve looked at how women view sex and how men view sex and we’ve seen that our views are very different. Men typically have a higher sex drive than women and typically care more about having sex. This isn’t true for every male but for the majority this is the case. And women typically care more about the emotional aspect of a relationship. We’ve seen that this is how God created us to be and neither desire, emotional or physical, is better or more valuable than the other. They are both important and both are needed to have a healthy and balanced marriage.

A problem arises when one aspect of a marriage isn’t being fulfilled. There is a problem when a wife isn’t fulfilling (within reason) her husband’s sexual needs. And there’s a problem when we women go to spicy romance novels (otherwise known as “mommy porn”) to fulfill our sexual needs instead of going to our husbands. There’s a problem when we make excuses at night for why we can’t make love. There’s a problem when we let things like the kids, household chores, and errands so sap up our energy that we can’t devote even just a little bit of time to our husbands. And there’s a problem when we refuse to experience a God-given gift with our God-given spouse whom we vowed to love.

I don’t know what your particular issue may be when it comes to sex and I can’t speak to every possible scenerio but when it comes to sexual refusal, when you aren’t having sex with your husband on a regular basis, then you are giving Satan a foothold in your marriage. You are inviting disconnection, discontentment, selfishness, immorality, and temptation into your marriage. The worst of all is that you are disobeying God’s Word which commands us to not deprive each other. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” This verse shouldn’t be used for manipulation but should rather convict you to keep your sex life alive and make that part of your marriage a priority. I do not want to make you feel that you are entirely at fault and I don’t want to burden you by giving off the tone of “You’re not adding up! You’re not doing enough! You need to be better!” We women get that message enough. What I do want is to spur all of us to live a biblical life, even in our love lives, and to fulfill our vows and role as a biblical spouse. And I want us to experience sex as God designed it and meant for it to function in our marriages.

Sex isn’t all about your husband either. It’s about both of you. I don’t want you to think that I’m saying you should just be a good little wife and submit to your husband’s desires because he needs it and God wants you to. I’m saying make sex a priority because it’s important in your marriage for both of you. If you embrace the physical, emotional, and intimate aspects of sex then both of you will benefit. You will both feel good, both of your physical and emotional needs will be met, and your covenantal bond will be stronger. You’ll be closer outside of the bedroom and the ability to effectively communicate and tackle life’s issues together will, in a way, be easier because you have a foundation of intimacy. You will be one. But if you refuse sex, if you aren’t having consistent sex that you put effort into, then you and your husband are both suffering. Your marriage is suffering because you can’t be one emotionally and spiritually if you aren’t being one physically due to refusal.

Sexual refusal is sinful and harmful. It hurts your marriage in that you aren’t experiencing true oneness with your spouse and you aren’t fulfilling your God-given and God-defined role as a wife. It hurts your husband because his physical and emotional needs aren’t being met. And it opens up the doors for temptation and lack of self-control. Protect and better your marriage by creating and maintaining an active and exciting sex life with your husband. It really does matter and it really is important. Your marriage, and your husband, are worth it.

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