It’s no secret that men are typically more sexually focused than women. Sex is a huge part of a man’s life and identity as a male. Sex makes men feel like men. It gives them confidence and affirmation in their manhood. In general, it makes them feel good. Men are also visual which only enhances and encourages their sexual focus. When a man sees a pretty woman he doesn’t start thinking, “I wonder what kind of personality she has?” He’s thinking about her body. When a woman sees a handsome man she isn’t thinking, “Dang, he’s hot! I want to see him naked!” Most likely she’s thinking, “Oh, he’s attractive. I want to get to know him better.” No wonder we view sex differently!
Women are highly relational so we value building the emotional connection of a relationship. Men are highly physical so they value sex. And it all goes back to how those things make us feel. An emotional connection makes us women feel close and intimate. We want to know our husbands deeply. We want to talk with them, share with them, and experience life with them. When that emotional connection is strong we feel that our relationship is strong and our need for security is met. For a man, sex makes him feel close and intimate. It feeds his desire to be wanted. When a woman gives herself to him, his manhood is affirmed and it tells him that he’s desirable. While single men can use sex for their own gain (just as single women can too), when it comes to a marriage sex is one of the biggest ways that men feel loved. The reason my husband got so irritated with me for not having sex with him is not because he was shallow and only wanted a physical release. He was hurt because I was making him feel undesirable, unwanted, and unloved. I would have felt the same way if he had gone weeks without talking to me or spending time with me.
For some reason women tend to think that having a conversation is above having sex. That somehow talking with one another is more intimate and sex is shallow. But I think what we need to understand is that God created sex and He created our sex drives. He made our men to desire sex and to pursue sexual intimacy with us (in the marital context). It’s not that our form of bonding (emotional connection through conversation) is better, it’s just that it’s different. Communication in marriage is of great importance and I think that’s why God gave us women the greater desire to communicate. But sex is important too and He gave that greater desire to our husbands. We each have specific needs but one need isn’t necessarily better than the other. In marriage, communication and sex are both important and if we each gave more of ourselves to our spouse’s desire we would have healthier and holier marriages.
So if we know that God created sex and He reserved it specifically for marriage where it would function as a way to procreate and to share a deep physical, emotional, and intimate bond that only a husband and wife could share; and if we know that having sex with our husbands makes them feel desirable and loved, then we should put more effort into our sex life. Embrace your husband’s sex drive and appreciate his desire for you. Honor him by desiring him back. Discover the sex life that God has created you both to have with each other. It will grow your marriage stronger and your bond sweeter.