We’re talking about sex this week and I think it is a really important topic to discuss. Sex is very important in marriage and it is often one of the biggest issues. However, I’ve had some trouble writing a post about women and their view of sex. I have one finished and ready to go but I’m not very pleased with it. I think I’m having trouble because I’m trying to be very careful about what I say, how I say it, and how much I reveal about myself and my marriage. But you know what? To hell with that. I’m not going to beat around the bush.
When I was single I didn’t realize how big of a deal sex was in marriage. I mean, it was one of those things I wasn’t suppose to do and so I wanted to do it because my body said, “yes!” and my heart said, “I want to be loved!” Sex was mysterious and something my body naturally wanted to experience. It was intimate and I wanted to experience intimacy. I knew it was something reserved for marriage because God, my mom, and my youth pastors said so. But I had no idea that sex is vital to a healthy marriage. I thought it was just a bonus, even a reward, for getting married. I figured married couples did it because it was something we all wanted to do and they got to do it all the time! How sex functions and affects a marriage was lost on me, as it is with most single people.
When I got married my view of sex was “We get to do this now with no guilt!” It was great. It was still new and fun. But it didn’t take long for the newness of it to wear off and at some point early on I became uninterested. It’s not that I stopped liking it and it had nothing to do with my husband. I just got busy doing other things and didn’t really think about it. I had the frame of mind that sex was something I did when I felt like it and didn’t really take into consideration my husband’s feelings. In fact, my husband wanting to have sex was shallow. There were better things we could do together. We could spend time together. We could talk. I wanted to feel close to him but I didn’t want our marriage to be all about sex. That seemed shallow.
After a few weeks of no sex, my husband became very agitated. I didn’t know what was wrong until he finally said, “We haven’t had sex in weeks” as he walked out the door. I thought that was dumb but I didn’t want my husband to be upset so I tried harder. As time went on I started to see a pattern. When days would go by without having sex, the relationship between me and my husband would start to suffer. We wouldn’t feel as close, we wouldn’t be as selfless, we wouldn’t communicate as well, and we would be more likely to have an argument. When we had sex on a consistent basis we felt more emotionally connected and our relationship was overall more intimate and strong. And that’s when I learned that sex was more powerful and more important than I thought.
Maybe you have a different story. Maybe you’ve never liked sex or maybe it doesn’t feel good to you. Maybe it’s more of a chore than a pleasure. Maybe you’d like to have sex more often but you’re busy and tired. Maybe you think sex is more for your husband than it is for you. Maybe you have sexual baggage from your past. Whatever the case, whatever influences us to hold a certain view of sex, the overarching issue is that we don’t make sex a priority. We don’t see it as one of the most important areas of our marriage. We’re women and we value friendship, communication, and emotional connection. God made us that way and that is great! Those things are important in marriage as well. But God also created sex and He reserved it for marriage. There is a reason for that. If we view sex as a chore, as shallow, and as the last thing we want to do at the end of the day, then we’re missing out on something God created for us to experience with our husband. We’re missing out on showing our husbands that we love them. We’re missing out on connecting with our husbands in the most vulnerable and intimate way. It may require more work for us women to get in the mood and figure out how to make sex feel good for us. It may require more thought and concentration. It may require overcoming negative views of sex but it’s worth the effort.
So this week I challenge you to evaluate your view of sex and the level of importance you make it in your marriage. For some of you there may be some real issues that need to be worked out but for others it may just be that you need to learn what God created sex for (other than procreation) and how it is to function in your marriage. So do some thinking this week and come back tomorrow to find out how men view sex and then Thursday to see how dangerous sexual refusal can be. My hope is that by the end of the week you’ll have a better (and more biblical) understanding of the importance of sex in your marriage.