The “S” Word

Let’s talk about sex.

It’s rare to find anything about sex that is written from a Christian point of view. In fact, sex is often seen as a “bad” word and is usually an avoided topic amongst Christians. It’s hard to find something that is open and honest about sex without being trashy. Because of this, so many people enter a sexual relationship (married or otherwise) completely unprepared for all that it entails.

We all grow up having learned about sex through some means. Some of us might have had parents who had “the talk” with us and some might have learned through friends, sex education class, media, experience, or all of the above. My mom had “the talk” with me but it was vague and centered on a classroom mouse. I learned far more about sex through friends and media than I did from “the talk.” I distinctly remember my mom telling me that if I had any questions about sex that I was to ask her, not my friends, but I didn’t know what questions to ask and even if I did, I didn’t feel comfortable bringing them up with my mom. And let’s face it, the first time I heard the term “blow job” wasn’t with my mom but was with my friends. So, no matter if our parents had “the talk” with us or not, we most likely learned about sex through friends, media, and experience. This isn’t a good thing because sex is strongly misrepresented to us, especially through media. Sex is made to look fun, easy, and nothing but a physical act that can be done with anyone, for any reason, at any time, and bearing no consequences. Sex has been cheapened and perverted. It has become a means for a man to get a physical release and a woman to get attention that she convinces herself is love. Sex has been so perverted from God’s good and amazing purpose for it.

This even happens in marriage. For women, sex can become a chore and can even be non-satisfying in every way. For men, sex can become just a means to an end. Sex is meant for marriage between a man and a woman. Within the context of marriage, sex can be very good. So why are there so many married couples who have very unsatisfying sex lives?

I actually wasn’t aware of how bad all of this was until I started reading Sheila Wray Gregoire ’s blog, To Love Honor and Vacuum. I wasn’t aware of how many couples struggle with having satisfying sex lives and I wasn’t aware of how badly this false representation of sex is hurting us. It has got me thinking and has really shaped my view of sex. It has ignited in me a desire to speak out against this false understanding of sex and to see other married couples experience a satisfying sex life.

This may sound strange but let me explain. I don’t just want other married couples to experience the physical pleasure that can come with having sex but rather understand, accept, and experience the full package. Sex is not just physical. It is also emotional and spiritual (intimate). It is a sacred act between husband and wife.

Since getting married, I have learned how vital sex is in a marriage. It isn’t just a “bonus” or an added pleasure. It is a vital component to having a good relationship with your spouse outside of the bedroom. The longer I’ve been married the more I find this to be true. This is true because sex isn’t just a shallow physical act. Within a marriage, sex provides not only physical pleasure, but an emotional and intimate bond that feeds our desire to be wanted, needed, and loved. Even for the man, his deepest desire is not a physical release but to know that he is wanted and loved.  

Side Note: Wives, if you are not having regular sex with your husband, not only is he suffering physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. He’s suffering spiritually because without you, he’s facing even greater temptation to find physical release through some other means. And he’s suffering emotionally because he is not feeling desired by you which in turn makes him feel unloved.

So we all have a desire to be loved and we can experience the fulfillment of this desire in the most intimate of ways. Sex can be fulfilling for both the man and the woman when all three aspects of sex (physical, emotional, and spiritual) come into play. This is the way God meant for sex to be. He meant for it to be a physical, emotional, and spiritual act between a husband and wife that satisfies their desire to be loved. He did not mean for it to be a shallow physical act. He did not mean for it to be pornographic and perverted. He meant for it to be a deeply intimate act shared between a husband and wife that strengthens their marriage and their relationship with Him.

This takes work. I think that is probably one of the most surprising things for a person to discover about sex. It takes work. It isn’t like those scenes in the movies where both partners passionately dive into bed, both knowing what they are doing, both being physically satisfied, both finding it easy, fun, and needing no commitment. Those scenes are lies. Sex takes work and in order for the work to be done there has to be a commitment. Every sexual encounter is not like those scenes in the movies. It isn’t always that easy or fun. It isn’t always satisfying. There is a lot more to it than the movies let on. Sex is not just passionate, it is vulnerable, highly vulnerable. That is a hard place to be for many of us. In order to be vulnerable, we have to let our guard down, we have to show ourselves. That can be scary. But when done within the context of a committed marriage, it is a beautiful, freeing experience.

I want to look at the other side for a moment. What is sex like when done outside of marriage? Well, physically it can be good but outside of marriage those other two aspects are either nonexistent or only vaguely present. The spiritual side of it, I would argue, would have to be nonexistent because God does not bless pre-marital sex. Even if sex is physically good outside of marriage, without those other two aspects, all it is is shallow, shameful, sinful, and full of hurt. If you have had sex outside of marriage you have not experienced it in the way it was meant to be, you have only cheapened it and have caused problems for yourself and your relationship with God. I know this because I had sex before I was married. As a result, I felt ashamed, guilty, and it hurt my relationship with Kyle, with God, and even my marriage. Pre-marital sex will effect your marriage and your marital sex life. Even if it has been a while, the baggage will venture into your marriage and wreck its havoc. I believe God had grace on me and my marriage because the consequences that were faced, even though they hurt, could have been a lot worse. He gave me the strength to deal with the shame and hurt of past mistakes and focus on building a healthy marriage. It is only by His grace that any of us can have satisfying marital sex lives. I believe that God wants us to have fulfilling marriages and He wants us to experience sex in the way He created it to be. It is an intimate and holy expression of committed love that was given to us by God Himself. It is meant to physically, emotionally, and spiritually blow our minds.

2 thoughts on “The “S” Word

  1. Thanks for sharing ;). I know a few Christian gals in committed relationships leading to marriage that I’ll be sharing your blog with. I wish someone had told me these things before I married, or even got into a relationship. I appreciate your honesty, and confession here and would like to also share a little (which is why I’m remaining anonymous this time). Premarital sex has the potential to destroy a marital sex life, Christian or not. My husband was my first and only partner, and I continue to thank God for that. However, we did not wait. We have suffered from our own sexual sins since. Nothing as far as an affair, but my husband has struggled horribly with pornography, bringing myself into that particular sin as well. It divided us so painfully at times it was hard to even breathe. It ruined our wedding night. Being tired, and sex being nothing new I cried myself to sleep because of a sexless wedding night. While we are both much closer than we used to be, and each loser to God, this division finds itself in our bed. We do enjoy sex, and do ave a good sexlife, but when one or both of us is out of touch with God, or is thinking outside of the marriage… It’s not real, pleasurable yes, but it actually drives us farther apart. Thank you so much for your post. I love that we are sisters in Christ.

    • Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish I had learned these things before I got married as well but I’m thankful that I learned early on in my marriage. I think sex is one of the biggest issues in marriage and it can be really hard to wade through. I’m glad you and your husband are doing better and drawing closer to each other and to the Lord. Make connecting a priority and focus your thoughts on each other!

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