Miscarriage: The Father

photo 2The mother isn’t the only one who grieves when a miscarriage happens. The father is also affected by the loss of a baby. Every man responds differently; some may feel the loss more strongly than others. My husband didn’t feel the loss as I did. He didn’t feel very attached to the baby because he hadn’t seen a sonogram, heard a heartbeat, or felt the baby move. I think what was harder for him was watching me go through the miscarriage and dealing with my grief. However a father responds, whether he felt attached or not, the baby was his and it is just as much a loss for him as it is for his wife. I would like to give the fathers some advice on how to handle their grief as best I can but since I’m not a guy I’ll be focusing more on how they can support their wife during this time.

HANDLING YOUR GRIEF

1. Express your grief.sad-man-silhouette-on-bench
I know a lot of husbands feel that they have to be strong and help their wives cope so they suppress their emotions. This isn’t healthy. You need to deal with the miscarriage too so if you do feel a sense of loss then you need to grieve as well. That will probably look different from the way your wife grieves and that’s okay. But don’t suppress your grief so that you never face it. Hiding emotions doesn’t make you strong, it only postpones the inevitable break. Own your grief and deal with it so that you and your wife can heal.

2. Talk to your wife.
It is important that you talk with your wife about the miscarriage. Talk about how it makes you feel, how it makes her feel, and how you are handling it. When my husband and I talked after our miscarriage we communicated with each other about how we were responding and coping. I was open about my feelings and explained to him why I felt such a deep sense of loss. And he explained to me why he didn’t feel as attached to the baby and how he felt about it. Understanding each other helped us to bond amidst the grief.

A miscarriage can be hard on a couple but you need each other now more than ever. So stay connected by being there for each other and communicating with each other. You need to get through this together.

Here is a link to an article that was written by a guy who’s wife has had three miscarriages. It is a great article from a man’s perspective. It will be more helpful on the subject of handling your grief. Please take a moment to read How a Man Handles a Miscarriage

SUPPORTING YOUR WIFE

You may not understand all of the emotional and physical struggles that your wife is going through right now and that can be scary. If you are like most guys then you just want to fix it but nothing can be done when it comes to a miscarriage. The best thing you can do for your wife right now is supporting her through her grief. Here’s some suggestions on how to do that.

1. Let her grieve.
Your wife will probably grieve differently than you and seem more emotionally torn up and devastated. She has gone through something traumatic and painful. She’s lost a baby. Let her express her feelings and work through her grief as she needs to.

2. Be patient.
Be patient with her rollercoaster of emotions and moods. Hormones and grief can do a number on a woman’s body. And be patient with the timeframe of her grief. There is no rule for how long someone should or should not grieve. Just be patient and help her wade through all of her feelings and encourage her as she progresses in the process of healing.

3. Take care of her.
Talk with her, hold her, confirm her. Make sure she’s taking care of herself and make sure that she knows you love her. When a woman has a miscarriage she can feel guilty and broken as a female. Let her know how wonderful you think she is and encourage her to not dwell on those negative thoughts.

4. Pray with her.
When I was going through my miscarriage my husband would pray with me. Even though my heart was a little hardened toward God at the time it was good to hear my husband pray. He had faith in the moments that I did not and that helped me to overcome those times of unbelief. So pray with your wife. It will be an encouragement to her to hear you ask the Lord for healing and strength.

5. Be open to how she wants to honor the baby.
If she desires to plant a tree, buy a piece of miscarriage jewelry, or name the baby then hear her out and be open to the idea. If she does want to do something then it will help her progress in her grieving and healing. I’m not saying that you may not want to do anything but it’s something to think about and talk about with each other.

A miscarriage is hard on everyone but in time healing will come. Grieve as you need to and be there for your wife as she grieves. This is a sad reality in life and it doesn’t seem fair but God has a purpose in everything. All we can do is trust Him and rest in His sovereignty. One day He will make all things right and it is then that everything will be okay.

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Miscarriage: The Mother

photo 2In that moment when that pregnancy test turns positive women experience an array of emotions. Surprise, fear, joy, uncertainty, excitement, awe, and for the most of us, a sense of love. Already we feel connected to this little life inside of us. It is an amazing revelation when we realize that we’ve created life and that our bodies are helping to nurture, grow, and develop a baby. It is an awesome and mystifying experience.

But what happens when that 1 out of 4 women discovers that she is bleeding or suddenly starts to cramp? What happens when that life ends in a miscarriage? All of that joy, excitement, and expectancy is ripped from us as we deliver our baby without life and we realize just how fragile and just how precious life is.

If you are reading this then you may have had a miscarriage and I have much that I want to say to you. I wish I could meet you for coffee and sit beside you and hear your story. I wish I could give you a hug. But for now this virtual connection will have to do and the first thing I want to say is this: I’m sorry. I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through right now. As I write this I am shedding tears for not only the baby that I loss but for your baby too. It seems so cruel that a mother should lose a child. I hurt with you. There are some things that I want you to know as you grieve. Things that people told me while I grieved and things that I learned through my own miscarriage. I hope this blesses you.

photo 41. It is okay to grieve.
Miscarriage is generally an unspoken loss. And it’s different from other losses. We typically don’t hold funerals or memorial services for first trimester miscarriages. It isn’t something that is publicly acknowledged as a loss so we wonder if it is okay to grieve. We feel sorrow and hurt, just like anyone does when they lose someone they love, but can we grieve as others do?

Yes, you can grieve. It is okay. You have experienced a loss. Grieving is a process that will bring healing. No one can tell you how to grieve, or how you should grieve, that is up to you. I would, however, like to offer some suggestions. If you are feeling dazed and unsure of how to proceed in your grief then maybe this will help.

2. You are not broken.
Having a miscarriage doesn’t mean that your body isn’t capable of carrying a baby. Miscarriages just happen, for reasons we don’t really know, and they can’t be predicted or prevented. You are not broken, this is not your fault. You are not to blame. Release your guilt. Holding on to it will only prolong your grief.

3. Embrace the rollercoaster.
The days and weeks after a miscarriage take you on a rollercoaster ride. Your emotions will be everywhere. One reason is because you are in a state of grief but another reason is because your body is trying to get back to a pre-pregnant state. The pregnancy hormone will still be in your blood and will still cause a hormone shift which will still cause mood swings. It’s a rough ride because there isn’t a lot of peace but it is a part of the grieving process. Don’t fight it. Ride it out.

4. Don’t be afraid to be honest with God.
There was one particular day during my miscarriage that I became very angry. I literally shouted at God for what He was allowing me to go through. I wrestled with Him and told Him exactly what I was feeling. It wasn’t pretty but I needed to get it out. I never stopped believing in God’s sovereignty or His goodness but I wasn’t happy in how God was choosing to display His sovereignty and I let Him know it. I think that’s okay. I think that in those moments of coming to God in anger and desperation we open ourselves up to Him and His will. God didn’t stop the bleeding like I had asked and He didn’t keep me from losing my baby but I wasn’t angry at Him anymore. I had surrendered. So don’t be afraid to be honest with God about how you feel. Don’t be afraid to tell Him why you’re angry and hurt. He doesn’t expect us to not feel the heartbreak.

5. Don’t be afraid to accept help from friends and family.
I had one friend offer to bring a meal and another friend came to help me clean my house. During my grieving I did not feel up to cooking and cleaning so I gladly accepted their help. If someone offers help to you don’t be afraid to accept it and tell them specifically what you need. Many people don’t know what to do when they learn that a loved one is going through a miscarriage but they want to do or say something. Not everyone makes good choices on what to do or say but if you specifically tell them then you can spare yourself more grief.

6. It is okay if you don’t want to see anyone.
I had many people offer me their condolences and I truly appreciated it but you may not want to talk to anyone and that’s okay. You may also not want to see anyone and that’s okay too. I didn’t go to church the first Sunday after my miscarriage because I didn’t want to see anyone that I knew. I was afraid of what they would say and I was afraid of breaking down in front of them. It is okay to give yourself some time to heal before being around other people.

7. Talk with your husband.
Now is not the time to drift apart. You need each other as you work through your grief. A miscarriage can be hard on a couple but talking it out and getting through will bring you closer together. Your husband may grieve differently than you and that’s okay. Talk with him about what you are feeling and what he is feeling so you can walk through this together.

It took a while for my husband and I to talk about our miscarriage but when we did it opened up the doors of communication as I continued to process my grief.

8. Name your baby (or not).
I had no intention of naming my baby because I didn’t know the gender but deep inside I wanted to give the baby a name. I grew tired of saying “it” or “the baby.” It didn’t feel right. So I did a Google search because I wondered if it would be strange to name an unborn baby. It turns out that a lot of people name the baby they miscarry. Some don’t but many do. So at the encouragement of a friend I spoke with my husband and we chose the name Rylie.

Once we gave the baby a name I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I felt that in naming my baby I honored and acknowledged his or her life even though it was short lived. Because Rylie wasn’t just a baby but my baby. The baby was Rylie and I will never have Rylie again. Never again will that life exist. That is what we mourn. It’s not just the loss of a baby but that baby.

It’s up to you whether you give your baby a name or not. There is no right or wrong way to handle this. It’s about what you want and what will most help you grieve. So give your baby a name if you truly desire; or not.

9. Do something as a memorial.
Again, this is up to you, but some women like to do something in memory of the baby they lost. Some people plant a tree but I chose to buy a necklace with a charm that reads “hope” and it has little footprints and the date of the miscarriage inscribed on it. I wear it everyday and every time I touch it I remember Rylie. It has become so precious to me.

10. Set a goal for yourself while you wait.
Your doctor will tell you when you can start trying again. All doctors say different things but if you have to wait a while then I encourage you to set a goal for you to focus on and accomplish during your waiting period. Maybe make a list of all the books you’ve been wanting to read or start a new hobby you’ve always wanted to try. I’ve decided to start exercising and lose some weight. I figure now is the time to do it while I’m not pregnant and can’t get pregnant until the summer. And maybe by the time I am pregnant again I’ll be 10-15 pounds lighter!

hope

Having a miscarriage is one of the most devastating experiences a woman could have. It is traumatizing and painful. But in time, the pain will hurt a little bit less. You’ll always think back on the experience with sadness and you’ll always miss your baby but it’s going to be okay. Your heart will heal. God is still sovereign and He is still good. There is hope for healing and there is hope for another baby. And in the bigger picture, there is hope that God will make everything right. In the end, God wins; and all of our sorrow and tears will have a purpose.

You will pull through. And at the other end of this dark tunnel is a light. And that light, it is called hope.

Miscarriage [An Unspoken Loss] Series

 

photo 2January 25th, 2013 I had a miscarriage. I was 9 weeks along but the baby had stopped developing weeks before. I had announced my pregnancy only a few days after finding out so I knew that I would also have to announce my miscarriage. I was anxious to get it over with so I posted on Facebook about it and asked for prayers. At first I didn’t think I would want to write about my experience in the midst of it but I ended up writing through my grief. As a result I had women come out of the woodwork sharing with me that they too had had a miscarriage and they shared their story with me. Through this I came to realize that a great number of women have a miscarriage and it goes unacknowledged. It is rarely talked about and a part of the reason for that is because there is no opportunity or circumstance in which such a taboo topic would be acceptable. I want to change that. I would like to provide an avenue in which women can share their story without fear of being judged or misunderstood. But I’ll explain more on that later.

487776_10151290181575897_1406434413_nFor now, I want to introduce a new series to my readers. This week I will be discussing miscarriage and how it effects those involved; the mother, the father, friends and family. I’m going to give advice to the mothers on grieving, advice to the fathers on how to be there for the mother, and advice to the friends and family on what they can do and say to be of the most help and support. I am sad that this is even a relevant topic but I feel blessed to have the ability to minister to the women who have to go through this kind of loss. I believe that God has a purpose for everything so just maybe God’s purpose in me losing Rylie was so that I could comfort those who will also lose a child. I have much to say in the coming days but for now, if you are reading this and you are currently going through a miscarriage or have recently gone through one, then please know this: you are not alone. There is hope for you yet.

Pornography Follow Up

My husband found a video about porn addiction and after watching it I decided to write a follow up post. This video is from the scientific perspective only and I think that speaks volumes.

Pornography rewires your brain and the more you do it the more your spouse becomes unsatisfying and unattractive to you. The only thing that will satisfy you is more porn but that is only temporary and isn’t truly satisfying. As the video said, it’s like a drug. It functions as a drug within your brain and you start to crave porn instead of intimacy. So instead of desiring a close relationship where your intimacy lies deeper than sexual gratification (and where sex is a sacred act used to express love and a deep bond) you desire an erotic fantasy world that rewires your brain from its natural state into a state of addiction. And it has been shown that what porn finds acceptable influences our culture so that we find it acceptable. Once we as a society accept graphic and unnatural ways of having and exploring sex then what kind of society are we leaving for our children? They will grow up to believe that such sexual experience is “normal” and the level of acceptance will only grow.

That’s just the science of it but when we look beyond that to the God who created our brains and we look at this from His perspective we see an even deeper issue. Not only does pornography rewire our brains and promote sexual perversion but it dishonors God’s gift of sex and it doesn’t bring Him glory. It’s destructive. It destroys the healthy functioning of our brains, the future for our children, our marriages, our families, and our relationship with (and to) God. That is not a place that you, as a Christian man or woman, want to be. If we were created to worship and glorify God with our bodies and with our lives then sexual immorality must cease. We cannot stand up under it and we cannot pass it on to our children.

Even the video said that this can be helped but unfortunately that message was “just stop long enough and the addiction will go away.” We all know that “just stop” is harder than it sounds. I gave some steps in beginning the journey to healing here but for further help I suggest a Christian based addiction recovery program or counseling. Also, here’s a website to look into: http://www.x3pure.com

The most important first steps to take are repentance and confession. Repent to the Lord, confess to your spouse and then to a trusted pastor or friend. Tell someone who will help you find the counseling, program, or whatever it is that you need to get help. You don’t have to be stuck in this addiction. You don’t have to live with the guilt. There is hope for you.

Porn & Parenting: 6 Ways to Protect Your Child

*Today’s post is a guest post from Jessica at The Faith-Filled Home.  She has some great and practical suggestions for parents who want to do what they can to protect their children from pornography and other sexually explicit content. Happy reading!

Hello to all The Biblical Family readers! I am so happy to join Sarah in the topic that is all too often ignored in Christian circles. So let’s dive in!

How does pornography affect parenting? As a mom of boys, ages 3, 2 and one due March 2, this topic is on the forefront of my mind. The statistics are staggering. The following information is from citizenlink.com.

In the past decade, most research has focused on how the Internet has impacted youth exposure to pornography. According to a survey of more than 500 college students in 2006, 73 percent reported having seen pornography online prior to age 18, including 93 percent of boys. An article about this study in Cyberpsychology & Behavior reported that the mean age for first online exposure to pornography for boys is 14.3.

Exposure to Internet pornography among college-aged males

• 93.2% – before 18

• 4.2% – after 18

• 2.6% – never

If exposed before age 18, age at first exposure

• 8 – 0.6%

• 9 – 0.6

• 10 – 0.6

• 11 – 1.7

• 12 – 10.9

• 13 – 16.0

• 14 – 21.1

• 15 – 22.9

• 16 – 20.0

• 17 – 5.7
(numbers may not add up to 100% due to rounding)

I don’t know about you but 8 year olds looking at pornography makes me sick to my stomach! Studies like this let me know that I can’t wait till pre pubescent years to be protective of my sons eyes. It starts now! Our culture is obsessed with sex. It’s everywhere you look!

~Billboards down the highway

~Magazine covers and articles

~Poster/Ads at the Mall (think 8ft half naked lingerie models!)

~Movies

~TV shows

~The average woman walking down the street

So how do you safeguard your children? I am writing primarily from the perspective of boys since that’s what I have but much can be applies to girls as well.

1. Love your husband/wife

Give your child a model of Christ’s love through your love for your spouse. You made a covenant and young boys are watching how dad treats mom. They will notice if he gives lip service but then he himself retreats to a dark addiction. Boys are also watching mom honor or dishonor dad. Is she sweet, loving and nice to him like she is to her friends?

2. Teach truth from God’s word

Colossians 3:2-5 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

2 Timothy 2:22 So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

Gal.5:16-24, Rom.13:14, Titus 2:11-13, John 8:31-32 and James 4:7-10 

We need to teach our children that sexuality and life aren’t isolated ideas. They go together. We have to put to death not just sexual immorality but all sins. They need to understand that while humans may see sin in degrees of ‘evil,’ God sees all sin the same. All sin goes against God’s Word just the same and it all leads to the same consequence, separation from God. Talk to your children early about waiting for God’s best. Pray with and without them for their future spouse and their personal protection against temptations.

3. Be mindful of where and with whom your child is spending their time

As iron sharpens iron bad company corrupts morals.

We as parents are given stewardship over our children. This covers every aspect of their lives. I can remember when I was growing up that I didn’t spend the night just anywhere or go over to just anyone’s house. I didn’t learn until I was an adult that my parents did that in order to protect me. Here are some questions to ask yourself before your child spends time with a friend or goes out in general.

~ Does that friend have an older brother?

~ Does that family share the same values, principles and faith?

~Is that movie/show/song appropriate?

~Just because they are related to you doesn’t give them a free pass to watch your child.

I encourage you to sit with your spouse and decide what questions you will to determine where and with whom your child will be spending their time. You want to be prepared before it happens and not say “yes” on a whim.

4. Guard media time

Handing a young pre-pubescent boy a smartphone without parameters is just asking for trouble. It doesn’t matter how ‘good’ your child is, temptation is now at his fingertips. This can be avoided, whether you are dealing with movies, TV shows, computers, or tablets. Some simple things that I know my parents did and others have done is no computer in child’s room period and no TV with cable access in child’s room. Put basic parental filters on all devices, have screens face the room, use TVs that lock at a certain time of night, and look up movies before you release them to a theater. Hollywood has done a great job of distorting and desensitizing us to sex and foul language. I can’t think of a reason that a student should see a movie with a sex scene in it. You may be very un-popular with your child but it isn’t our job to be their friend.

5. Be open to having conversations about sex and pornography. 

Pornography may not be their sin struggle but nevertheless you want to always be the first to talk to them about their sexuality. I know that as kids get older they may not talk to parents as much. Especially as a mom of boys many of these important conversations will likely take place with my husband. That’s fine and healthy. What I can do is pray now for those conversations that are 5-10 years out.

6. Pray for a godly mentor for your child 

There is no replacement for a parent’s role in a child’s development when it comes to a healthy biblical view of sex, however a wonderful supplement is a mentor. Some one who is younger than mom and dad {usually} and closer to the adolescent’s age {usually} with a little bit more life experience. I am already praying for the mentors my boys will have in high school/college.

I have seen first hand the benefit of having a mentor in a teen’s life. My husband has been that person many times. Young men ages 15-21 have come to him with questions and issues that either those boys haven’t shared with mom and dad or have only shared with them in part. Moms have also told me how thankful they are that my husband takes the time to meet with their son and point him to truth. My husband isn’t saying anything much different than that mom or dad but that’s just it, he isn’t mom or dad. He is someone closer in age {he is 27} to them so he seems more relevant.

The biggest help for parents is devotion to prayer, open communication with your child, and community. We can’t keep our child from being tempted, but we can raise them in truth and lean on the promise that God’s word will not return void. We need other parents, those who are right there in the trenches with us, and those who have been there. done that, and lived to tell about it.

Jessica is a stay-at-home-mom to almost 3 boys, David age 3, Elliot age 2, and Micah due in early March 2013. She has been married to her highs school sweetheart Robert for almost 5 years. Jessica blogs over at The Faith-Filled Home where she talks about her faith, keeping her home, and life in general. In her “free” time she enjoys crafting, cooking, Pinterest-surfing, playing with her sons and dating her husband. Follow Jessica Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest! 

http://facebook.com/pages/The-Faith-Filled-Home/
http://twitter.com/FaithFilledHome

Pornography & Marriage

On Monday we looked at what pornography is and why people look at it and get addicted to it. And I said that it’s destructive and is one manifestation of sexual immorality. Today we’ll look at how pornography affects the marriage relationship and because men view pornography more so than women I will be writing from that perspective.

According to the Internet Filter Review, “The average age of first Internet exposure to pornography is 11 years old.” So because men are exposed to pornography so young, by the time they get married they have spent the majority of their life struggling with this issue. And sadly the issue doesn’t go away when they wed. Instead it only becomes more of a problem because it now affects their relationship with their spouse. It can affect the wife’s view of herself and her husband and it can affect the way the husband views sex. We are going to look at these closer and see just how harmful pornography can be.

THE HUSBAND & SEX
Pornography is explicit and obscene. It creates unrealistic scenarios and it takes the emotional and intimate aspects of marital sexual experience out of sex. God created sex to be used as a way of showing covenantal love, expressing the deepest sense of physical, emotional, and intimate connection that only a husband and wife can share. Porn cheapens sex and makes it dirty and unnatural. It’s disgusting. And when a man views porn it begins to shape his view of women and sex. He begins to see women as sexual objects and he sees sex as a means to an end. He becomes obsessed with sexual gratification so that when he has sex with his wife he isn’t making love with her, he’s simply seeking a release. Or instead of sleeping with his wife he chooses to masturbate. Lust blinds men and it perverts their hearts and minds. It is a dangerous sin that, once many men fall into, it is very hard for them to find their way out.

THE WIFE
When a wife finds out that her husband has a porn problem it completely devastates her. The way she reacts is much the same as if he had cheated on her with an affair. She will feel that he is unfaithful (which in a way, he is) and question her part in the problem. She’ll wonder if it’s her fault because she’s not pretty enough, isn’t adventurous enough, or isn’t satisfying to him. She’ll wonder what she is lacking that causes him to seek sexual satisfaction from anything other than herself. She will be deeply hurt and insecure.

THE MARRIAGE
When a husband has a porn issue it brings him shame and guilt. He may try to stop but he can’t do it on his own. And when a husband’s porn issue comes to light it hurts the trust, intimacy, and oneness in a marriage. And if it’s not dealt with, it will destroy a marriage. God didn’t create sex to be pornographic and when we make it so we do it outside of His design and that brings repercussions.

I have heard a lot of people say that porn is okay. I’ve had women tell me that all men look at porn and it shouldn’t bother me if my husband does too. I should just accept it. What lies! It is sad to me that these people have been so blinded that the truth seems foolish to them and that they don’t demand respect and honor. Wives, your husband should not be looking at porn. It is not okay. YOU are the only woman he should be looking at and YOU are the only woman he should go to seeking pleasure and intimacy. He made a covenant with you and he should honor that. He should not be robbing you of intimacy by choosing to participate in masturbation or pornography. Above all else, you should expect your husband to honor God. Your husband’s sin doesn’t just separate him from you but it separates him from God. He cannot be your spiritual leader while drowning in unrepentant sin.

And know this, in no way is his issue with porn your fault. Lust is powerful and in the moment it is not about how pretty you are but about his sin. It is not your fault that he can’t say no to temptation. However, there are ways you can help.

1. Talk to him. Talk to him about how this makes you feel and what you expect from him. Remind him of God’s standards. Tell him that this isn’t acceptable and that he needs to get help. Ask him what he plans to do and be clear on what the next steps will be.

2. Encourage him to talk to someone. A pastor, counselor, or trusted friend. And if he won’t, then do it for him. The thing about sin is that when it is kept secret it is easy to ignore but when it is brought into the light it becomes hard not to face. Someone needs to be talking to him and keeping him accountable. And it needs to be someone who doesn’t also have the same struggle. Even if they have good intentions to help each other I think it becomes easy to dismiss the sin and not provide real accountability and discipleship.

3. Love him anyway. I know this is hard and sounds unreasonable but loving him through this period of revealing his problem and getting help speaks more volumes than becoming harsh and hurtful. Allow yourself to deal with your emotions and feel the hurt but don’t stay there.

4. When you are ready, forgive him. Don’t hold this over him forever and don’t bring it up in arguments. You both need to heal but you can’t do that if you bring it up with angry and hurtful intentions.

And husbands, if you have a sin issue with pornography, then please do this:

1. Repent to the Lord. You have defiled His gift of sex, you have been unfaithful to the bride He has given you, and you have dishonored Him. There is forgiveness and reconciliation for you but you must repent.

2. Confess to your wife. This will probably be harder than confessing to the Lord since He already knows but it is something you must do. It will hurt your wife, yes, but you can’t keep this secret from her. It only dishonors her even more. You must tell her and begin the journey to healing and rebuilding the trust you have broken.

3. Get help and accountability. You know you can’t overcome this on your own. It’s not possible. You must find someone who is able and willing to regularly check in on you and keep you accountable.

Losing yourself to a sin you can’t get out of on your own and hurting your spouse is not worth easy and immediate sexual gratification. God has something so much more and better in store for you and your marriage. Undefiled and totally devoted marital sex between two covenant keepers is better than any amount of pornography. In the end, porn will leave you feeling empty and unsatisfied. Following and keeping to God’s design will satisfy you to your very soul and you won’t look for anything else.

*Please check out this article from The Gospel Coalition.
Study: Watching Pornography Increases Support for Adultery and Same-Sex Marriage

“When a person has been exposed to thousands of images of an particular human behavior it becomes impossible to consider such activity as ‘unthinkable.’ It becomes accepted on the individual level and later, when people recognize that other people are okay with it too, accepted on a societal level.”