I wasn’t going to give the baby a name because I didn’t know the gender (which is a part of the reason my heart grieves). But I kept thinking about it and I didn’t like not having a name. I don’t like referring to the baby as “it” or “the baby” or “the baby I lost” when that baby could have a name. So, after some gentle encouragement from a friend, I spoke with my husband and we decided on the name Rylie. It’s a name we had both said we liked when I was pregnant and it is gender neutral. After choosing the name I wondered what it meant so I looked up its meaning. Oddly enough, Rylie means “courageous.” How fitting.
I have had a lot of fears since discovering my pregnancy complications and then losing Rylie. A lot of fears. And I’ve had to be courageous and face those fears as they suddenly flew at me. I was fearful of losing Rylie when I didn’t know what was going on. Then I was fearful of the miscarriage process, how much it would hurt, and how traumatizing it would be. I was fearful of how my body would respond, whether I would lose too much blood, whether my body would take care of it all on its own or whether I would need medical intervention. I was fearful of the grieving process. I was fearful of my doctor’s appointment. I was afraid of what they might say. Now, I’m fearful of seeing people I know, fearful of what they might say, and afraid of falling apart in front of them. I’m fearful of what each new day holds for me as I grieve. What else will I have to face? I’m fearful of how long I will be bleeding. I’m fearful of what others may think about the ways I am choosing to grieve. I’m fearful of getting pregnant again and having another miscarriage. Like I said, I have had a lot of fears.
Rylie’s short existence was an event I needed courage to go through. Even when I didn’t know it was a failed pregnancy, I was fearful of my future as the mother to two babies! I was fearful of how hard the pregnancy would be when having to care for a baby growing into a toddler. Truly, Rylie’s life for me was about courage, facing the hard times and getting through, having hope. I’m thankful for Rylie. I’m thankful for the little life that lived inside of me for a very short time. Though Rylie’s life may have been short it was a life that has rocked my world, my faith, and has forever changed me.
Thank you, Lord, for Rylie.
“Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In Your book was written
All the days that were formed for me,
When none of them as yet existed.”